maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
