I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
