Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
Randomize
