The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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