went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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