Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
