If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
Randomize
