you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
