"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
