I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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