Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
glad you had fun, i did too. am rubbing aloe on my butt now.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize
