if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
Randomize
