I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
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