Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
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