i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
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