You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
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