I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
