the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
