I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
what is it with giant penises always finding me
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize
