Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Can Purell be used as lube?
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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