so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
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