this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
i drank out of a bidet.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
