I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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