They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
