guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
Dick very happy bro
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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