He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
I woke up under a house in Key West
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
Randomize
