There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
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