I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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