you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
