there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
