she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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