There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Randomize
