you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
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