I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
