where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
Never underestimate the power of titties
Randomize
