She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
