So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize
