I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
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