I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
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