i wish peter jackson would direct porn
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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