I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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