He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
