Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
Randomize
