just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize
