Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
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