On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
Its about making memories worth repressing
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
So just to get a feel for things...how prone are you to male Amish strippers...
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Randomize
