you turned your livingroom into a bong?
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
