South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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