your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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