Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
Randomize
