I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
organizing the empties. That sober.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
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I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
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No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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