I'll bet she douches with gravy.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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