I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Randomize
