just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
Randomize
