When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
