If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
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