but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
