Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
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